* First day of school - Z at 2 years
Woke up this morning with a feeling, that today was just not going to be my day. Dragged myself out of bed...all the while humming Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. After years I've fallen in love with the song all over again. I'd promised Zoii that we'd go to the zoo today and the little bugger was all set : sun glasses in place, back pack ready...rearing to go. His happiness was so contagious...I started feeling better instantly!
At the zoo, Zoran was like a jack-in-the-box - uncontrollably excited. He was adamant that there must be a real dragon too some where...and the komodos that we saw didnt please him all that much. He was looking forward to a real, fire breathing creature...:) Amidst the tree house climbings, the porcupine and meerkat feedings, the ice cream disasters (yes we had chocolate ice cream smeared all over our face and clothes!) I sensed Zoran- my exciti-bubble monkey- pause for a while and give me a long, hard look. Sensing another farmaishi programme about to start, I asked him what the matter was. He just smiled and gave me a long, tight hug and whispered "I love you Mama!" And in that moment I really did die and go to heaven.A while back one of my friends asked me what was the one thing I loved about motherhood along with the one night mare I had as a parent.The list for both is endless.
I still remember that frightfully hot August day when a nurse handed me a wailing, pulsating, dreadfully tiny little "thing" to hold in my arms. That wrinkly face, those pink cheeks and those beautiful, huge eyes which seemed to look at me as though they'd known me for the longest time ever. I knew that that first gaze had me hooked for a lifetime. From that moment on my heart would forever beat outside my body.
I've loved every single moment that Ive spent being a mother. From the endless sleepless nights, to the nappy changings, the burping sessions, the vaccination ordeals - every single thing. It gives me a heady rush knowing that Zoran loves me more than any one else in the world (for now at least!:)) and that only I have that magical touch which could soothe all his hurties and ouchies and turn all his bad dreams into beautiful ones. My heart swells with pride knowing that every time Im upset over something or if i cry my son comes running with a hanky (or one of his used tissues)...wiping my tears and helping me blow my nose. Or that everytime I clean his messy, messy room he claps for me and says "Im so proud of you Mama!" But in this joy lies my biggest night mare.
What if God forbid I let him down some how...what if Im not able to be the perfect mother that I so desperately want to be for him. What if hes 16 and bitter...unable to forgive me for something that I did...or didnt do. I dont want to think about that...not now at least.
For now I'm content, having him snuggle next to me, smiling in his sleep. (I could swear he's dreaming about that whole ice cream fiasco we had at the zoo!:))
For now Im content having him snore gently in his sleep, wearing his naughty alien jammies and smelling of cup cakes and heaven.
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